Thursday, September 11, 2014

On Miscarriage...

September 2003- In the middle of the night I awoke to horrible cramping. I had no idea what was going on, but I knew I was in major pain. I had never had any issues with my cycles other than minor cramps, so this was something new. The next morning I noticed things weren't normal, but I went to work at the bank anyway. A doctor's visit later I realized what had happened....I lost my first baby. I didn't even know I was pregnant. I was devastated and heartbroken.

August 2007- After being pregnant for over 17 weeks with my third baby, I was thrilled to be going to the doctor for an ultrasound! Many hours of google searching had shown that yes! it was indeed possible to find out the sex of the baby on the ultrasound as long as baby decided to cooperate :) I couldn't wait to hear the heartbeat, because they were unable to find it at my 12 week appointment. I drank a million cups of water, hoping that it would help in the gender reveal process. My husband was not able to come to my appointment with me, so my sister drove down to be part of it with me. I also had my daughter with me who was so excited to be a big sister. We got all situated in the room and I couldn't wait to see my baby for the first time. As I lay on the table and the U/S tech silently moved around my stomach, it hit me. I remember turning to my sister and mouthing, "there is no baby?". He began to question me on my dates, and then I really knew something was wrong. I was almost halfway through my pregnancy when I was told, "We are sorry. This is not a viable pregnancy" and I walked out the door. I was supposed to be calling my husband with possible news of a boy or a girl. Instead I had to tell him there is no baby. The doctors called it a blighted ovum. No. It was my 3rd baby. A few days later I went through "labor" alone at home where I delivered a sac that was meant to hold my baby that had not developed. And again, I was devastated and heartbroken.

August  2014- I have 5 beautiful children. Pretty much everyone I know thinks we should be "done". Apparently children are no longer a blessing.  I have been praying and seeking the Lord over this matter and have not had peace in the area of preventing these blessings that He gives. I talk to my husband who agrees and we are excited to see what He will do and what His plan will be.

September 2014- Imagine my surprise when not even 2 weeks later I discover a second line on the pregnancy test! Ok, 3 pregnancy tests! :) I am thrilled. I cry in thankfulness to the Lord. I message a few of my closest friends & family and tell them the news...another Smith baby is on the way! I think about if I want to announce it or if I should wait. Why wait? Mostly for the kids. I wouldn't want to hurt them. After thinking about it I decide to tell everyone. I have never had so much peace over a pregnancy and just know everything will be ok. I post my "Prego" picture on facebook. It's a tradition now, you know, and get over a hundred well wishes from family and friends. May 14, 2015. I can't wait!

The night after I make my big announcement, I notice...something is not right. This should not be happening when you are pregnant. I start googling again, and find enough things to ease my mind enough to go to sleep. When I wake up in the morning I notice things are worse. I know in my heart what is happening, but I am just not ready to say it. I change my facebook profile picture because now I feel stupid for being so excited. I call the doctor and go in to get blood work. A few hours later my fears are confirmed. My hcg levels are now so low they are almost non existent. They call it a chemical pregnancy...I call it my 8th baby. Once again I am devastated and heartbroken....

The hardest thing for me about losing a baby early on is that it is such a lonely thing. No one, other than the mother, can really understand. I have only ever lost babies in the first or second trimester, and the second trimester loss was a blighted ovum, so baby was already gone:( In my case, there is not a whole lot of closure involved. It is something your body just does and does alone. It isn't like going through labor in a hospital with family and friends around. It is just you in a bathroom suffering in silence. At least for me.

Now, I would never ever want to lose a child late in a pregnancy, and not in any way trying to diminish the pain that goes along with that, but I have never gotten a chance to hold my babies. To touch them or kiss them. There has never been a funeral or a burial. Just a constant reminder every time I go to the bathroom of what I am losing,

People may think, "Well, you only knew you were pregnant for 4 days. What's the big deal?" Well the big deal is that a loss is a loss and I lost my baby, It is also strange to me that everyone just kind of ignores what is happening. Like it never even happened. Let me throw a disclaimer in here. Thank the Lord for other moms who have had miscarriages. They are, in my case, the only ones who really reach out. It is like there is a special bond of us miscarriage mommies who understand what each other is going through. And that has been such a blessing to me during this time.

I do want to say that I am not in some deep depression or anything, but I am sad. Very sad actually, but there is something helping me through, and that is knowing that God has a plan! I have no idea why He has been convicting me in the area of having more children only to take this one away from me. I can tell you what I decided though. God does want me to have more children. As soon as I realized I was losing my baby I said, "That's it! I'm done!!" After a few hours of that thinking, I realized something. Satan is always trying to discourage people from doing God's will for their lives...I will not let him win. Why? Because I am convinced that my next baby is going to make huge impact for the Lord. How do I know this? Because Satan was trying to discourage me from having him before he was even born.

I'm pretty much writing all of this for myself. I just needed to do it and get my thoughts out there. I just want people to really understand that a child is a child from the moment of conception. And just to encourage people who know someone going through a miscarriage to acknowledge that person and what they lost. They didn't just lose a pregnancy. They lost a baby.

And just because the baby was too small to hold, or to take a picture of,  or too small to hold a funeral service for, it does not make it any less of a baby.  I know I already have 5 and should be "happy with the ones I have". I am fully aware that I can have more. And I also know that "God knows best" But that doesn't mean I cannot or should not grieve the baby that I lost.

So I guess that is all I am feeling. I am truly excited to see what the Lord has planned for the future of our family and I still am willing to say, "Thy will be done" I'll keep ya posted. :)

It's been forever...

Wow! Has it really been that long since I have posted?! My last post was about what we were having...And now that little girl is almost 19 Months old! I enjoy reading old posts. It's fun to look back and see where I was and what I was doing.

Since my last post, nothing too crazy has happened. I do miss my ministry wife posts. I'd like to start them back up! One of these not so busy days.

Homeschooling has been going great this year! Our oldest is in 4th grade and loving the BJU press curriculum. #2 is in first grade. He likes it some days:) and#3 is doing pre k/k and doing a great job.  I am thankful I can teach my kids at home. Some days are insane and I'm googling "gold Christian schools", and other days are perfect.

Anyways- this is my random "trying to get back into blogging" post. And only because I have something on my mind for later. I just don't have the patience to write it out on a kindle!  See ya soon...