Mrs. Melissa Smith...Youth Pastor's Wife

Name- Melissa Smith

Husband’s Position-     Youth Pastor of 9 years at Buckley Road Baptist Church

How long have you been married?    6 ½ years

How many children do you have? How old are they?  One child Paxton 20 months old

1.     Where/How did you meet your husband?      Long story short…The summer before my senior year of college at PCC I went to visit my best friend in Phoenix AZ.  When I got there the assistant pastor of BRBC at the time and his wife Dan and Deb Dunham were visiting their best friends from Bible college which happened to be my friends parents.  Dan was very persistent that as a single girl he had a single youth pastor at his church that he wanted me to meet.  Realizing that as I am from Indiana go to College in Florida and am visiting in Arizona and Travis being from Syracuse NY I faced reality that “yeah right, fat chance of me EVER meeting this guy”  I gave Dan my email address after only knowing him and his wife for a few hours.  His wife looked and seemed safe so after some begging I gave him my email address knowing that I would never hear from him anyways.  2 weeks later I got an email from Dan and Travis since Dan had to set up Travis’ email as he had never used the internet or email in his life he got a JUNO account (now that is dating the internet) and we emailed back and forth for 3 months.  Being in my last semester of college and being at PCC we had a no internet rule so I had to take my laptop off campus to KINKOS every time to check my email.  After 3 months of emailing Travis decided to ask for my phone number.  I graduated in December of 2003 and in March of 2004 he drove to Indiana to meet me for the first time. He was scared I was convinced I was going to marry this guy.  We were engaged October 22, 20004 and Married April 2005.

2.     When did you get saved?        At the age of 9

3.     Can you share your testimony?   I grew up in a Christian home went to a good church and even a Christian school.  I was told by my brother that at the age of 4 he lead me to the Lord.  So I never really second guess him.  At the age of 9 I went to a Revival meeting with my parents and the preaching preached on Heaven/Hell.  I just knew I wasn’t saved and was going to Hell.  Too scared to tell my parents I wasn’t saved because I thought they would be mad because I had told everyone I got saved at a younger age, I rode home that night with tears in my eyes.  When I got home I was so scared to go to bed scared I would die that very night so I told my dad I wasn’t saved and on that August night he took me to our basement and knelt by the bed and went through the Romans Road with me and I got saved!  He cried, I cried, everyone cried with Joy.

4.     How long have you been in the ministry? 6 ½ years

5.     How did you know the Lord wanted you in the ministry? Was it hard for you to submit to that or did you know 100% sure right away that this is what God wanted for your life?  As a teenager I went to the same Youth Conference in Louisville, KY that we have the privilege of taking our teens to.  I didn’t go with my youth group I went with a few friends from that church and stayed with my parents good friends who were members of the church there.  On the last night we would do testimonies and when I was in 8^th grade I told my friends, brother, his 2 friends, and the Schreibers that I feel like the Lord wanted me in some type of full time Christian Service.  Not knowing what it was but I am so glad I surrendered then and never looked back.

6.     How old were you when you your husband first held a position of leadership? Travis had already been the youth pastor for 3 years at BRBC before we met.

7.     And if you were young, did you have a hard time adjusting because of your age? Did you feel “ready” to be in that position? Did you feel you had a harder time being respected or taken seriously because of your age?  When we got married Travis had been the YP for 3 ½ years so adjusting to being his wife, and YPW is rather an understatement!  I tried to jump right in but the girls that were there were so used to having no one tell them anything nice or things they shouldn’t do etc so there was a lot of disrespect and me always feeling unwanted.  The boys in the YG liked me and made me feel welcome but girl teens are just tough period and to add a new YPW in the midst of everything I felt like I just came in and burst everyones bubble.  But praise the Lord for loving in laws who happen to be my pastor/wife and moreso husband who helped me through a very trying 2 years of “Adjusting” 

8.     Once you had children did you find you did less in the ministry and was that hard for you?           Honestly No…Travis and I had made the decision that I would be just as involved when we had kids as when we didn’t

9.      What are some ways you include and involved your children in the ministry?

a.     Baby…Paxton came to his first week of missions conference when he was 2 weeks old.  I just didn’t want to be the YPW who because I had a kid I would deny my responsibilities of a YPW.  I understand the responsibility of being a mother first and I definitely do do that.  But our teens love hanging out with Paxton so we bring him to activities and they hang out with him.  I married my husband first before I became a mother and my responsibility of a YPW is still there even though I have a kid.  The girls need me and Travis can’t “minister” to the teen girls so I need to be there as much as I can. So unless we can get a sitter we bring him along

b.     Toddler…As just now becoming a toddler Paxton still comes along except to activities such as the all nighter etc where we have an overnight sitter then usually his grandparents.

c.       School age…

10.   Do you ever worry that your children will resent the ministry and what are some ways you try to make it fun for them?  Probably one of my biggest fears as I have known several PK’s and MK’s who went into the world because they saw “hypocrisy” in either their parents lives or in church members.  One of the biggest life lessons I was taught by a lady who was my “second mom” growing up was “Keep your eyes on God and NOT on People” How true to teach our children that people will fail you but God NEVER will and if I can help teach Paxton that and he clings to that then I pray he will always see that the ministry is a happy place!

11.  What would be the best thing you would tell a mom who is raising her children in the ministry?  The life you live at home is such an integral part to raising children I think.  How they see your spiritual life behind closed doors is so important.  Never let your children see the “problems” of the ministry you and/or your spouse may face.  It could cause bitterness as I have seen in ministry homes.  Also make time for your children and let them know they are the most important thing in your life next to God and your husband.

12.   Are you naturally a submissive person or do you sometimes have a hard time easily following your husband? I unfortunately am not a naturally submissive person. I find that as long as I stay in God’s word submission is easy for me.  The past 2 years we have had to make some pretty major decisions and I of course had one thing in mind and Travis the other thing in mind.  But after it was all said and done and I didn’t get “my way” I found out that Travis was right and he usually always is and if I keep following him.  He is a wise man I am finding out and God gave him to me as my husband for a reason I should just follow him and it will ALL work out!

13.   What do you do to encourage your husband when he is discouraged with the work?  Spend time with him and let him “vent” to me and afterwards give him a nice long massage and some loving to let him know I love him and I am beside him no matter what.  The day after his “vent” I like to pack his lunch with a love note in it telling him how important in my life he is.  It is just the little things that matter so much

14.   How do deal with any criticism toward your husband from others? This is an area that has hit home a lot lately. And I don’t do well when someone criticizes my husband.  I want to take the matter into my own hands but lately the Lord has taught me that He is the ultimate judge and as long as we know the truth God will take care of the rest. 

15.   How do you deal with personal criticisms?  Not easy and in the past I have defended myself but as of late I just try to do the same as above.  Let God handle it.

16.   Do you set aside date nights/days with your husband?  As an extremely busy church and with youth activities at least twice a month if not more we try to schedule them but if we don’t get a chance we will sometimes put Paxton to bed earlier and have a movie night etc.

17.   What is the biggest thing you have learned about being married to a man in the ministry?  Flexibility.  I am a very schedule person and live on a schedule but I had to learn very early that in the ministry you don’t always get to do the things you schedule out to do.  Even the smallest things like bedtime, mealtime on time etc.

18.    What are some ways you protect your husband from “those” women in the church?  By keeping my personal appearance up as much as possible and by making sure he isn’t neglected in any way.

19.   How do you guard your husband from the “crushes” of teen girls?  There have been instances where I had to make Travis aware of “clingy” girls.  He of course being a guy didn’t see what I saw but after quite some time and a sermon we heard this past summer he understood that it wasn’t just me being extra protective it really could be a problem.  He never texts messages or calls teen girls or even visits their parents without me.

20.  And how do you guard yourself from the crushes of teen boys?  I always make sure I am affectionate (not in a gross way) toward Travis in front of the teens.  I don’t put myself in an alone situation with the teen boys.

21.   How do you deal with the parents that are always on their child’s side?  This is a hard topic and we try to communicate with them but we have come to the realization that some parents just don’t want to think their kids do anything wrong and we can warn them is all but they will learn eventually and all we can do it pray

22.  How do you deal with the parent that think it is the youth pastor’s job to “raise” their children and blame them when their teen does wrong?  Usually it is the parent that thinks their kid can do no wrong and the parent that we had warned previously so in the best Christian way we know how we have to remind them we warned them and they chose to believe them over us.  But we love them and try to help them as best we know how

23.  How do you establish a good youth leader/parent relationship?  Spending time with the parents.  We try to have the parents over for dinner with or sometimes without their teen(s).  And also good communication.  Calling them, visiting them etc.

24.  How do you deal with “clingy” teenagers? (Ya know the ones who are always following you)  I have had a few of these and sadly enough I can say they need the attention because I find out later on that it is because they are not getting it from home.  I haven’t always handled these situations in the best way but as time has gone by God has taught me to be loving and gentle with these teens but also I am their YPW first then their “friend” not the other way around.

25.  How do you encourage/help those teens whose parents are not saved and do not attend church?  Communication with the parents is the biggest key.  Visiting regularly or calling and making sure they know what activity is next and how important it is for their teen to be at everything.  We have had situations where the teens faithfulness to church is what causes their parents to visit and get saved.

26.  How do you feel about parents grounding their kids from teen activities?  GRRR…Need I say more?!  We definitely discourage against it and make sure the parents realize the best place for their teen to be is in church or at an activity.  We have devotions at every activity so what better place to be to hear the Word of God and help change their attitude.

27.  In what ways do you deal with the “drama” of your ministry? The hard things like runaways, drugs, partying, drinking or teen pregnancies?  Heartbreaking.  It always seems to happen to those that you invest the most time in.  Lately we have had a few heartbreaks but thank the Lord He has guided us in counsel and it has been the teens of the parents that have been behind us so it made it so much easier.  These things aren’t easy but God never gives us anything we can’t handle and made Travis and I stronger through the trials

28.  How do you encourage unity within your youth group?  We have a lot of activities, take several trips to conferences in the summer.  We promote guy/girl friendships but NOT dating which helps with the unity because then you don’t have guys and girls getting mad because of break ups etc.

29.  What is the one thing you would like to get across to the people of your church regarding the youth?  They are the next generation of church members; laymen, officers, pastors, youth pastors, pastor wives etc.  How they are raised as teens and what they are taught will help or hurt them in the future of the church.

30.  What is the most DIScouraging thing someone can say to you regarding the youth?  “Those stupid teens. They don’t know anything, or they are worthless”

31.  What do you do with your young children during activities? Bring them? Stay home? Do you have faithful ladies in the church who are willing to help you by watching them?  Bring Paxton to most activities.  I haven’t missed an activity yet because of being a mother.  I have a couple of ladies besides my mother in law that has offered to watch him for activities.  I don’t want to always burden someone to watch Paxton for every activity.  I usually don’t ask unless they offer to watch him.  Just a personal preference

32.  What is the most encouraging thing that other ladies in the church can do for you?  Invest in the teen girls.  I believe the teen girls should have “mentors” of other godly ladies in the church not just “know” the YPW.  Some of my best friends now were the older women of my church who invested in me with taking me to lunch, a walk in the park, etc.

33.  What is the most encouraging thing your pastor’s wife can do for you or say to you?  This is a tough one because my M-I-L is my pastors wife J but I would say I have been encouraged by Nancy when she sent me a card when she knew we were going through a real difficult time dealing with some teen trials just to tell me she loved me and cared about us and was proud of us.  It meant more than I could ever say just to know my Pastors wife noticed that we were going through a hard time.

34.  Most Discouraging?  It would have to be if she ever came to the point where she didn’t care about the lives of our teenagers and think they are “just teens”

35.  Do you and your husband have devotion or prayer time together daily?  We don’t have a daily time but we do pray together as a family as we are putting Paxton to bed.

36.  Do you have a hard time sharing your burdens with your husband in fear that it will discourage him?  I used to “vent” to him about all the petty things until I realized it stressed him out more.  We have a very open relationship in that we tell each other everything but lately I try to discern the petty problems and not bother him with them especially if he is overly stressed with busyness etc.

37.  What do you do to encourage yourself in the Lord? Making sure not to miss devotions and prayer time.  It isn’t always easy as a mom, when I am working etc but it is the only thing that gets me through the days and trials that may come my way.  I wish I could say I have mastered this but unfortunately my flesh overtakes me at times.

38.  What is your favorite Scripture? Psalm 18:30 “As for God His way is Perfect…”

39.  Do you have a favorite song?  The one me and Travis just got to sing “I have been blessed” by Michael Compton.  What powerful words and reminds me how blessed I really am.

40.  What is your biggest struggle in the ministry?  Learning to be flexible something I have to do but is so hard for me at times

41.   Do you have find that you are not able to have close lady friends in your church?   Yes and no.  I have a few close friends but there are those certain things I want to be careful about not saying and just save those for Travis.

42.  When you are discouraged, do you feel like you can “show” that feeling to ladies in the church? Or do you feel you must be the perfect, happy staff wife?  I have always been good about “hiding” my emotions so I would say no I don’t like to show my emotions when I am going through a hard time.  But I do have a couple of ladies in the church who know that I do that and have come to me to tell me they are praying for whatever I am going through.

43.  Have you ever made a big mistake or offended someone, and if yes, how did you go about restoring that relationship?  Not that I am aware of.

44.  Do you have other lady ministry friends that you go to for counsel and “venting” purposes?  My best friend in AZ is a YPW and so we call each other at least once a month.  Funny how a lot of times we are facing similar circumstances.

45.  What is your favorite way to serve the Lord in your church?  Playing the piano

46.  What is the most important thing you want to pass down to your children?  An intimate relationship with God and Love for people

47.  In all of your business, how do you fit your personal time in with the Lord each day? Trying to set a time the same time every day.  Although it doesn’t always work a lot of times I find myself reading scripture at night before bed.

48.  Other then the Bible, do you have any other books that have helped you along the way?  I have used several books through the years. Different books for different situations…

49.  Out of all that you have learned being in the full time ministry, what is the most important thing you have learned?  Next to my relationship with God the most important relationship is my husband and if we aren’t right with each other we won’t have a “successful” ministry.  Making sure that we are right with each other and keep God the center of our marriage is one of the most important things to the ministry.