"My Struggle With Infertility" By: Christal Shipman

       I grew up like most little girls, playing dolls, setting up house, and dreaming of being a "grown up" with my own family.  I never had big career dreams.  I just knew I wanted to be a wife and mother.  Most of us never think about "if" I get to be a mother, we simply think "when I am a mom".  Part of those dreams came true when, at 25 (I know, an old maid, huh) I married my wonderful husband, finished up Bible College and began life in the ministry.  We chose to spend a few years just the two of us before adding to our family.   When the time came that my heart could wait not longer and I assured my husband "we" were ready, I only assumed it would happen in no time that we would be expecting a baby.  Time came and went, and we were leaving our first place of ministry and heading out on deputation to start a church.  

Time continued to march on and I began to wonder what was wrong with me and why God was keeping this from me.  I had no idea what was wrong, but knew it shouldn't take this long (almost a year now).  The movie FACING THE GIANTS came out about this time and Caleb and I sat down with his brother and family to watch it.  I had never fought so hard to fight back tears in my life.  I sat in the dark with a giant lump in my throat as I watched this family face the heart ache of the possibility of a childless home.  A few weeks later I sat at my sisters table during one of her daughter's birthday parties and looked around to notice all the friends and family that I grew up with there at that party with their kids.  Not just babies, but 2 and 3 kids...some seven or eight years old by now.  "God, I am way behind... Why are you leaving me out?"  My eyes were filling with tears and I wanted so badly to get to the bathroom before anyone asked me what was wrong.  I have always confided in my mom and we had talked about how I was feeling and what might be wrong.  No time to really look into it, we were busy on deputation and of course without money or insurance.  I tried to put on my brave face and focus on the upcoming church plant, but my heart was always distracted with questions like "Why, God"... "Did I do something wrong?" "Did I need to have more faith". "God, I want to be strong, but I just don't think I am strong enough to be one of those people that never has kids." 

      During the remodel of the church building we purchased, one evening I took a sharpie to the unfinished wood of the platform and began to write scriptures on the altar, below the pulpit and piano concering there signifignace. At a particular spot I wrote the verse in I Samuel where Hannah "poured out her soul before the Lord" and that is just what I did there. Time marched on some more, and now we had started a church and "I" was a pastor's wife.  Everything was so busy...new people to meet every week, secretary work to do, doors to be knocked, people looking to me for advice and watching my expressions.  Kindly people would ask, "When are you going to have kids?", or say "It's about time for you guys to have kids now". To which I would politely reply, "We are ready when God is", or "Sometime soon".  It was always hard when people would ask "those" questions.  I know they had good intentions, but I felt so vulnerable like they could see right into my heart or know that tears were about to overflow.  Many days I just waited to get home and go to my quiet place and sob my eyes out to the Lord.  I told Him everything.  How much it hurt.  How I didn't understand what He was doing in my life.  How could I find purpose in my life when all I ever wanted was to be a good mother.  He always listened, put up with a little self-pity, and drew me closer to Him (I now think that was His point all along). 

      I had time when I was angry with God, times when I had faith, even if it was just a little.  I began to study the Bible concerning barren women.  I was searching for God's purpose in all of this.  In the mean time my mom found me a doctor that would charge us very little to help us determine what was going on.  I found out I have PCOS (basically I do not regularly ovulate... kinda need to do that in order to get pregnant).  I had come to two conclusions by this time. 1. It was God who opens and closes the womb, and no matter what I did medically, He was ultimately in control, and 2. All though I did not know how I would make it or ever get over the hurt, I was going to serve the Lord, no matter the outcome.  I was given some medicine to help my body do what it was supposed to do and my 6 month roller coaster began. 

    You start out with high hopes, spend agonizing time waiting... and then heartbreak. Over and over again!  December was my last month before I had to take a 6 month break.  The soonest I could take a test was Christmas day, and there was know way I wanted to spend that day crying and sad, so I waited until the next day. Then one more day, I just couldn't take the hurt.  Well, the next day came and when I saw a different result and I "was" pregnant, I did just what I told the Lord I would do... I litterally fell on my face on the bathroom floor and thanked Him while I wept.  When I gained my composure, I took my husband to the auditorium and told him the news at  same spot on the altar where I had prayed to God. 

I usually think of this story and think how God gave me Olivia, but truly God had answer my prayers beyond that. When I would pray I would figure," if I'm asking God for a baby, why not just ask Him for children... I wanted kids". I figured if He can give me one, then two would be just as easy for Him.  When I later got pregant with Grant, to me it may have been a surprise, but God was just remembering my prayer and being His wonderful Self. 

      I know not everyone's story ends like this.  Some may have struggled for a few months, others years upon years.  I only know what God had done in my life and how I will never forget to praise Him for it.  My sweet little sister, Emily, and her husband are facing the same struggle.  My brother and his wife have recently faced three miscarraiges.  God has given me a tender heart toward others and I ask Him to use me to minister to them and pray for them.  The night Grant was born my sweet brother-in-law had to leave the room because his heart was so broken over his own desire to be a father.  I hardly slept that night as I pictured his face and the pain I saw in it.  I thank the Lord for letting me know that pain so I can weep for others and pray that they can fall into the arms of God and know Him more.  Know that people show their hurt in may different ways, but they are all just crying out for someone to care and hurt with them. 

   I know God was drawing me to Him and reminding me that I needed Him.  If you want to read a book that will help you better minister to people facing infertility, I recommend the book HANNAH'S HOPE by Jennifer Saake.  Like a lot of books, I cannot endorse everything in it, but it can be very helpful in understanding the heart and hurt of those facing infertility and even misscariage. My desire is that my trial was not in vain, but that God would use it to strenghten me and to allow me to help others and pray for them.